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One of the kids woke me up to ask if I was still sleeping, if any of you were thinking of having children.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 25, 2020
You know you’ve gone full dad when you realize you are explaining how water towers work to an entire car full of kids who don’t care.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 24, 2020
Last night my son asked if I’d ever heard of a pillow fight. I said I had not, so he explained the premise & asked if I would play. I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room. My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 23, 2020
Flex on your toddler by saying they are three years old instead of three and a half.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) June 25, 2020
My 4-year-old asked my 2-year-old if it was time to fight.
2 checked the calendar and said, “No, not yet.”
Well, at least they are organized.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 25, 2020
Husband: what do you all want to be when you grow up?
8: a scientist!
3 (girl): a ballerina!
3 (boy): bubble wrap!
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 25, 2020
My husband just told me he wants a divorce.
Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 24, 2020
I remember watching Sex and the City in my early 20s and believing that being an adult was a lot of drinking red wine and cooking really amazing veal when it’s really just screaming obscenities at my children while burning the dino nuggets
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 24, 2020
If at first you don’t succeed, pin all your hopes on the second kid.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) June 24, 2020
5: why is it called apple-cado anyway
me: no reason
— hashtagtacos 🌮 (@VicVijayakumar) June 24, 2020
Kids: *playing video games*
Me: That’s enough video games, kids
Kids: *start watching videos about video games*
Me: That’s much better
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 24, 2020
being a parent is the greatest thing in the world unless you are a parent in a disney movie
— The Dad (@thedad) June 25, 2020
Me: Life is a paradox buried inside of an onion. You have to cry a bit to dig into it’s meaning, and sometimes all you end up with is tears and confusion. You know?
Baby: *spits up*
Me: Same, buddy. Same.
— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) June 24, 2020
Having kids is a great idea if you’ve ever looked at your markers and thought “if only they were a bit drier…”
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) June 25, 2020
My 8yo is suddenly, inexplicably obsessed with Garfield and I cannot stop laughing. I asked him what he liked about it and, like I was a total idiot, he said “It’s a cat…who talks…and he goes on amazing adventures with a dog.”
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 24, 2020
Oh you love your dad? Name 3 of his favorite lawn mower height settings.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 21, 2020
A fun summer drinking game is taking shots every time your child says “I’m bored.” I’m kidding. You’d be dead by noon.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 25, 2020
I feel bad for the kids whose parents give them normal nicknames. My kids – guacamole, cheese and coffee know I truly love them.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 23, 2020
My kid just called the statue of liberty the statue of puberty, and this is the content I signed up for when becoming a parent.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 20, 2020
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 24, 2020
Raising a baby isn’t like raising a dog. It’s like being a dog. You’re always sniffing butts.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 24, 2020
Parenting is just a cycle of cleaning up one room while your kids wreck another.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 18, 2020